Tug-of-Why Bother?

"I suffer from anxiety, moments of depression. I'm in my head so much, and I'm thinking so much. I'm playing a tug-of-war within in my mind."-Khalid.


I wish someone would grab me by my shoulders and shake the anxious thoughts from my skull or pull me into a hug so tight I forget why I felt so anxious in the first place; the sad truth is I don't anyone that physically checks in on me. Now, that's not to say my two best friends don't check in on me, because they do, which I appreciate more than I can articulate. But, sometimes it would be nice to have someone to sit next to me and let me just cry if I needed to.... no advice, no telling me to "shake it off" or dismissing my feelings/emotions as daily stress, just sit there with me.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not plagued by constant feelings of doom and despair, nor do I always feel overwhelmed. But, at this moment in time I feel very weighed down, and try as I might to think about anything other than what's got me feeling more blue than my hair color, I can't get out of this slump and I have yet to fully get rid of the lump in my throat...

I've been told "You need to get away" or "take time for yourself" or "try to eliminate the stress in your life"; haha funny the one telling me to eliminate the stress is my biggest stressor, is there a tactful way to tell someone that? Yeah, didn't think so. And, I can't take time for myself because every-time I try something happens and I can't take a weekend for myself. Now, I will say a friend of mine was VERY, VERY kind and took me to Austin for the weekend which was very sweet and  unexpected and VERY needed. And, I'm more appreciative than he knows; I wish I could get out of town once a month.

I don't know why I bother to vent or complain or bitch, whatever you want to call it. Everyone has their own set of problems and mine are petty or trivial or whatever and truth be told, aside from a few and I mean VERY few people no one really gives a shit about me or my issues. So, end rant.

I'll **TRY** to be more positive in my next entry. Or I'll just stop with the entries altogether, I haven't decided yet.