Let me tell you...

If you're a returning reader, hello. I'm sure you're wondering where the other blogs went-or not. I deleted them, not that that matters, but whatever. If you're brand-spankin' new here.... welcome aboard, it's not a boat or anything and it might not be a lot of fun but I have been known to make puns and tell funny but true stories; this won't be one of those times. I know "That's a shitty intro." but, deal with it I guess or don't read below?

It's been 84 years.... Wait, wrong story... it's been like 2 years since I've sat down here and actually typed anything that wasn't an email, or updating an excel spread sheet; and, a lot of shit has gone down. I'm not going to pick up where I left off because 2017 was mostly me working, going to the gym and navigating a toxic relationship (I mean if you REALLY want that cup of tea I'll serve it to you).

I'll start with 2018-the year that broke me, in every sense of the word. And let me preface this by saying I'm not looking for ANY type of sympathy (mostly because 99% of the sympathy we're given is false) and I don't need an unlistening ear... I have a small safe circle that knows what details I leave out.

In February on my birthday to be exact my dad's best friend (do men have best friends?) lost a battle to cancer and I was accused of being happy he passed... I might be kind of a cold person (ya know, now) but I was never rejoice over the passing of a person. That evening my mom (who has chronic pain) was rushed to the ER via EMS with backpain so bad she couldn't get out of bed. (I don't have high hopes for my 36th birthday y'all). In March she was admitted to the hospital, where she had two surgeries-one major, one minor but still surgery. She was in the hospital/rehab until May. I should also mention my grandmother's health had started to decline in 2017. My mom came home on Mother's Day. It was then we noticed my grandmother was very jaundice, so that Monday we made an appointment with her GP figuring it was just a UTI; which elderly women are prone to and my grandmother was getting them about every other month. Her GP sent her for bloodwork and a ultrasound of her belly on Wednesday... or maybe it was Tuesday. Anyway, the days don't matter; her GP called us from a conference in Dallas to tell the results of her scan and bloodwork.... he was 99.9% certain it was S4 pancreatic cancer, but wanted us to go in and speak to another doctor to get the official diagnosis.

Just after midnight on June 27th, 2018 my grandmother lost her battle to Stage 4 pancreatic cancer.

On July 6th, 2018 my mother was found unresponsive and taken to the hospital with a blood pressure of 40/30. It was after midnight before the nurses told us we could see her or what was going on. To this day I'm still not sure what exactly happened.... I know she had her right lymph node removed from under her arm... that's really all I remember. Then we had my a memorial service for my grandmother.... The strange part of losing my grandmother is...or was is that it seems like it happened such a long time ago. But things that happened a decade ago feel like they happened yesterday. My mom had a short stint in the hospital in October, it's hardly noteworthy, but it's still a hospital stay.

December..... We actually cancelled Christmas. My mom very nearly lost her own life. And to be honest, there are SO many details.... and I still have to fill in the blanks for my mom when she asks. I still have to pretend like the doctors telling us "You may want to consider HOSPICE" was something I didn't hear, or seeing my father, my sister and brother in law fall apart when we were told my mother's mortality rate was 90%. I have to pretend I didn't feel selfish as hell for feeling alone at that point.

I had to put a lid on every anxious thought. At that point in my life I just wanted someone to hold me and tell me "It's going to be okay" and "I'm here for you." Even if those were lies.

December wasn't ALL bad. My mom pulled through a made a full recovery. My sister and brother in law found out their IVF was successful; and Samuel was born on August 27th, 2019.

I know you're thinking..... "I feel like there are details you're leaving out" and you are absolutely right there are details I'm leaving out. I might make a post later talking about my toxic relationship(s), my bouts with anxiety attacks, debilitating migraines and a pitpull that has grand-mal seizures. But, in truth that's a but much for one post, yeah?